I'm Attempting to Finally Answer a STRANGE Question

The reason this question is strange is that it's an implied question. Sometimes, if I forget none of my high school friends have kids yet, I talk about my son around them a lot. This is not because there is nothing else to talk about or I think he's all that interesting to people who don't know him. It's just because he's the majority of my social life. It's a very one-sided social life that reminds me of middle school, when even my one and only best friend felt it necessary to remind me that corduroys will never be cool.

Anyone who knows why this picture is sideways and helps me fix it wins half the Powerball jackpot I am destined to win and use to fund my dream of staying home and writing all day even if no one thinks I'm any good.

Anyways, when I go off on these tangents, they are inevitably cut off with a remark to the effect of "Wow, aren't you supposed to be selling me on the whole procreating thing?" (and here I thought I was telling you something FUNNY!), and this look like you want me to tell you to get to making babies right now so you can valiantly defend not having any.

There's two reasons I never do that. One: I'm not a sales person. I've tried it a few times and I'm just not good at it, so I am certainly not going to suck at something for free. I don't like being bad at things, it brings me great misery, and I feel no one should suffer in vain. Two: You want me to wear down and eventually to tell you that I made a mistake, or that I should have waited, or that your life is so much more fun and cool than mine, or say things that would make my son really sad to hear if he were old enough to understand. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not even going to apologize for not doing it.

Lets address a few of those things you want me to say from reason number two.

I didn't make a mistake. I barely made a decision. The second you see your baby on the ultrasound you become a mom, and it's not really a decision any more. The Offspring did lots of good things, like make me barf every time I smoked until I finally gave up on the whole thing. Mistakes don't usually change your life for the better like that.

What should I have waited for? I'm asking you that, because I don't get it. I want to be young enough to enjoy life when the nest is empty.

Your life looks fun and cool on Facebook, but I did that. My body doesn't tolerate it well, and I hated dating. I really hated dating. Being married is cool. It's a license to be yourself all the time. I went four months straight this winter without shaving my legs, and felt not one iota of shame. I also save lots of money on clothes, because I don't have to impress potential boyfriends. And don't get me started on the weird cosmetic things that some single ladies I know do. Here's my advice on the whole "Brazilian" front: do unto others... Get my point? It should always be an even trade, or it is SO not worth it.

And even if I did have regrets, I'd never say them out loud. So stop fishing for them, and making posts about how the whole world is judging you for not procreating, and complaining about everyone posting pictures of their kids all over the place and telling you everything about everything their kid does. Because you do the same thing with pictures of you at the bar and tales of your hangover, and with your super-overcompensating statements about how smug you think pregnant women are. And no one worth knowing is judging you for waiting, or not having kids, or for having seven kids right in a row.

See? This one is normal. If someone doesn't help me I may have to go back to floral design, and as you can see my talents there are pretty limited. But I don't want to be that, so it's not the life I built.

I love you. Please don't hate me for not saying your life is awesomer than mine. It's just that everyone's life is perfect for them, because we create our own realities. We build the life that is best suited to what we want (or need). So my life rocks for me, but that doesn't mean it rocks less than yours, and visa-verse. Even when parts of my life are difficult and enraging, I wouldn't trade it away, because it's the best version of what I want that I know how to create.

Stay tuned: I plan to attempt salesmanship about being a parent, to convince you that even though I look like a kangaroo in skinny jeans my life is actually fun in really weird silly ways.