5 Ways to Tell if You Take Sports Too Seriously

I feel that this is something we must discuss in light on Monday's game. It is Broncos season again (we don't call it football here because the other teams don't really count) and it is looking promising. It's very early in the season, but the trash talking has already gotten serious. Every game is overhyped. The first game was a big deal because "It's the defending champions! Oh my god!". The next game was a big deal because "It's one Manning versus another! Oh my god!". Then Monday was a big deal because "It's the Raiders! Oh my god!".

I'll back off for a second. This can happen in any sport, and Americans aren't alone in going bananas over sports. Just watch the games leading up to the Soccer World Cup.

But at a certain point you need to accept that you're in too deep. If you or someone you loves exhibits any of the following symptoms, please seek professional help. Because really, you're just getting annoying to sit next to on the bus.

5. If you have ever talked so much trash about an upcoming game that you avoided public places after your team lost...
I was listening to the radio and a local DJ made a bet about a NUGGETS game that involved him getting a tattoo of his least favorite team if the Nuggets lost. The Nuggets are not a great team. He now has a really stupid tattoo. Don't be that guy.
4. If the stats of your fantasy football team dictate your mood and consequently the moods of family members...
In college I played table top RPGs. No one ever let it ruin their day, because IT'S NOT REAL! Yeah, that's right. I just put the world of Dungeons and Dragons above your maturity level.
3. If your significant other stops liking you during the playoff season of your favorite sport...
Do I need to elaborate here? Really?
Fine. Stomping around the house like a two year old who's been told he can't watch "Cars" right now is not an attractive quality in a mate. It's not an attractive quality in a two year old, and frankly a toddler has a better excuse.
2. If you own more than two actual jerseys...
I'm not talking about t-shirts meant to look like they came from training camp. Those are relatively cheap memorabilia, and being a collector of Lego figurines, I can't really complain. I don't know anyone who doesn't collect something. But a cheap jersey costs about $150 dollars, which is a lot of beer. Even if you're drinking to your team's victory at a bar. If you're into hockey and you have more than one jersey, you have  a sickness. And possibly an illegal income source.
1. If you have a professional athlete's name tattooed anywhere on your body...
I think the only people who get a pass on this are the actual spouses of said professional athletes. I can understand wanting to brag about it without having to talk about it constantly. Everyone else? You look about as cool as this guy:

courtesy of thechive.com

I'd Like You to Know I'm Very Sorry For My Recent Absence.

I'd also like you to know that I am sorry for the long title full of superfluous capitalization. And the fact that we live in a world where no one can spell without spell check. I thought I would express my remorse with the following expressionistic image:

If you cannot see my sadness, I should explain that that person is offering you a Cheeto, which is almost as good of an apology as a brownie. But not quite.

Make what you will of it. Life is your Ekphrasis.

To fill you in on the goings on:






That's pretty much it. Oh, and my son has decided he is in charge of my purse.