What Your Mom Wants for Christmas

It may come as a surprise to some, but your mommy is not lusting after a fat man in a red suit. And the mother of your young children probably doesn't care about a new tennis bracelet- where is she even going to wear that thing?!

So now that Thanksgiving is over and you're all rushing to trample strangers at the mall, here are five things your mom/wife wants for Christmas.

1. A loong, hot, UNINTERRUPTED bath.
Depending on the age and head count of her children, the word "bath" may be readily exchangeable for the words "meal" or "potty break".

I wasn't going to put a picture here, but I got way too excited when I saw this picture. So this picture is dedicated to YOU, fellow moms. It's bath porn.

2. A punching bag with the face of that super-self-righteous "My kids were potty trained before their second birthday and were bilingual by kindergarten and oh they just LOVE Baby Einstein things" mom "friend" printed right in the middle.
I pretty sure you can find one somewhere on the internet. You can find ANYTHING on the internet.

3. Super fluffy socks.
Because we all know she's sliding around the house pretending to be a ninja the second the kids leave the house.

4. A hidden camera.
Most of us aren't paranoid about what the babysitter's up to, but we know the fastest way to get a kid to stop doing whatever really cute thing grandma would want to see is to break out the camera.

5. A bottle of Patron.
Because REALLY- have you ever tasted a margarita made from this stuff?! And mommy needs a margarita to get through ages 2-5. And 12-wheneveryoumoveout.

See, look! It's red and green- very festive!

Thanks, World!

Please don't barf on your keyboard, but here are the things I am truly, DEEPLY thankful for this year and every year. I couldn't come up with a full 30 like everyone on Facebook, but here's the 15 I grudgingly drudged up for your enjoyment.

15. Facebook. Really. I joined it very grudgingly, but it lets me stalk keep in touch with people I wouldn't be able to otherwise.
14. Nicolas Cage. Because bad acting has never had a sillier face.
13. Wikipedia and Google. Self diagnosis is awesome, and I really feel like I know my doctor better now that I know how she feels about my chances of contracting Ebola. BTW, does anyone have a doctor who's a little more hypochondriac friendly?
12. Foster Friess. Dude, you're totally saving my marriage. Thanks for the advice, buddy!
11. The slow, gradual process of empathy development. It would really bum me out if my son figured out that it hurts when he leans all his weight onto his elbow as it's resting on my neck. These early years pass too fast!
10. The bag of Dark Chocolate M&Ms in my desk drawer.
9. Money as a reason not to purchase television service. I miss you not, Baseball playoffs.
8. YouTube Zumba videos. Because no one should have to look that ridiculous in public.
7. Stirrup pants with layered scrunch socks. I know no one else thinks of you so fondly as I do, but given the way fashion cycles, we'll be together again soon.
6. Friends that let me lick their faces.
5. My husband's uncanny ability to find me the perfect action figure to play with at my desk decorate my work space.
4. Chocolate covered potato chips. It's now been proven in the free market that people will both pay for and eat anything.
3. Sites that hide the comments on an article. That fount of wisdom burns too brightly!
2. The people of Great Britain. You know for sure where Texas and California are, gifted us with Monty Python, and still care greatly about the baby who will never actually have any useful amount of power in your government.
1. The noble Moose. I couldn't say for sure which one.