1. Your baby's head is imbued with Amortentia.
Amortentia is the love potion in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. It smells like happiness, and it's a potent drug. And your baby's head oozes this stuff. It has nothing to do with how recently they've bathed, either. One whiff and you are off the deep end, and melty and gooey and horribly disgusting to any non-parent who is unfortunate enough to witness this scene. Apparently everyone is embarrassed by how good their baby's head smells, because they never talk about it, but obsessed enough with this bonding device to do studies on it. This doesn't really ever go away, your kids just get old enough that they're not willing to hold still while you take huffs of their hair. Maybe this is why moms keep clippings from first hair cuts. I currently use this weird effect to help me remember how much I love my son when I catch him doing something awesome like coloring on the wall. I feel the rage building, walk over, sniff his head, and I am instantly calmer, and ready to deal with grown up tactics, rather than just anger. I'd like to see if this still works when he's a teenager...
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| WHY DO YOU KEEP SNIFFING MY HEAD?! |
2. It is almost impossible not to talk about poop.
Your baby's poop will fascinate you, disgust you, and be a constant topic of conversation. Many conversations with your partner/spouse will be stopped by the following question: "How long have we been talking about poop?". It's word vomit. The most unstoppable form of Turret's. Until you learn to master this impulse, you will find yourself discussing your child's bowl movements anywhere, with anyone who is trapped by good manners into listening. The first step is admitting you have a problem. Become aware of when you are talking about feces in public, especially when there are food or strangers involved, or when no one asked (no one ever will). If you don't learn to control this, people will stop answering your phone calls.
3. Occasional boredom with your child is normal, and a sign of sanity.
Babies don't talk. And the first couple years of talking is more stream-of-consciousness than a give-and-take conversation. We're social animals, and the way we do parenting here (complete isolation from the adult world) in the western world is a recipe for depression for stay at home moms. If you are staying home with your baby, make sure you have grown up conversations every day. Ones that aren't about poop. You will enjoy your time with your baby more and have an easier time adjusting when they go off to school, or you go off to work. Your baby is awesome and needs all of your love, and you can't give someone all of your love if you aren't taking at least a minimum amount of care of yourself. As a side note to this, I'd like to give the finger to everyone who says you need to stay home all day so that child-free people don't have to hear your child's occasional tantrum. Public spaces exist for everyone, and moms (ESPECIALLY the stay at home moms) really need time in public, around other people. Not just because parenting can be very isolating, but because children can't learn how to behave in public without entering public. I keep seeing these blogs talking about "You should know, and just stay home, because you had to know your kid would pitch a fit, and in my day we gave those kids a whooping so they wouldn't act like that". Get over yourself. Maybe the world would be a less violent place if we didn't use the threat of violence at every turn, and instead taught our children emotional self control.
Sorry. Excuse the hippy tirade.
4. You will love your child unbelievably.
Which will sometimes feel weird, because it's weird to be angry with someone for pouring their corn into their milk cup and simultaneously be head over heels for them.
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