Dear Mormon Missionaries:

Image Source: mormonbeliefs.org

Dear Mormon Missionaries,

I miss you. Why have you forsaken me? I used to get some love from young Mormon men at least once a year. And it was very brotherly love, so you can't accuse me of that!

The first missionary I encountered in college was so very persistent he even agreed to an awful trade. He would read "The Spiral Dance" by Starhawk if I would read "The Book of Mormon". If he had asked, I may have told him I'd already read it (having grown up with Mormon friends), but he didn't and I wanted a more spirited debate. NOT MY FAULT.

In Grand Junction, I learned that Mormons won't enter my home without The Husband being there. I was nice enough to point out that it's hardly polite to question someone's ethics to such a degree when you're trying to convert them- to no avail. They made me sit outside and smoke while debating them. Those ones thought they might make more headway if they spoke to The Husband instead (since I was clearly only in it for a good conversation), and he told them something less polite than I did. NOT MY FAULT.

Then, today, as I was taking a walk with The Offspring and The Husband, I saw two Mormons headed my way. It's been so long since I've had a good Mormon visitor! I was practically jumping with joy when they approached us! But what did they do? Ask if I knew anyone who wanted to receive the Good News, and decline to encroach on our walk! My sad face did not dissuade them.

Mormons, I agree with almost nothing you say, but I was raised in an evangelical home so I am a perfect training person for your new missionary. I know how to debate weird things like Utah-voodoo, and I really like doing it! I enjoy it so much I don't even take it personally that you think I am less of a human than you by virtue of having a uterus, or that you think The Husband ought to keep me in line better. Please forgive me for offering refreshments and extra-curricular reading to your missionaries. I only meant to return the favor they sought to offer me.

Best Regards,

Dirty Heathen.