Have you even locked eyes with someone as they came out of the restroom and wondered if they had been napping in there?
Me neither. Until today. I'm coming out of the bathroom, and at the same time someone comes out of the men's bathroom. Our eyes meet- a necessity in avoiding a collision in the awkwardly shaped mini-hallway the bathrooms on the third floor of my office building are in. And I just KNOW, in the same way I know that "Firefly" will never return to television, that this guy was taking a nap.
It's all over his face. Literally. One side of his hair is smashed up in the quasi-mohawk that I personally refer to as a duck-wing, and his eyes are glazed over but trying to pretend otherwise. Unknown to him, there's a small smear of drool on his chin. And most tellingly, there is a big red square from where he was leaning his face against what I can only assume was the stall wall.
I should have taken a picture. He was still groggy, and no match for the picture-taking reflexes everyone with a smartphone posses.
In my head, I can think up a lot of reasons this would happen. Maybe he got high on his lunch, went to use the restroom, and just fell asleep (this seems most plausible given I live in Colorado and this guy apparently comes to work in cargo shorts). Maybe they had a potlock in his office and he ate too much turkey, and got really sleepy, KNEW he needed a nap, but was afraid to fall asleep at his desk. Maybe the air conditioning in his office was broken and the cool temperature of the stall wall was so relaxing that he just got too comfy and fell asleep out of sheer relief. Maybe last night the boss threw an office party and he got trashed and spent the night with his cool, comforting toilet friend.
But whatever his reason, THERE IS NO FREAKING EXCUSE FOR NAPPING IN THE BATHROOM.
There is a part of me that wishes I had caught him in the act, and that he had been Joss Whedon, because knowing I had a way to blackmail someone into returning "Firefly" to television would have made my day most excellent. I guess I'll just have to settle for the awesome mental image of an anonymous serial-napper.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Saturday, August 3, 2013
A Love Letter to my Car
Dear Car,
I know, as you are getting older and gas gets more expensive, that you must be worried I will give up on loving you. Everyone gets insecure from time to time, and you recently let me know that our relationship is going to require some maintenance, so here goes:
I love you. You are a great car.
You always start for me, even when it's so cold outside it hurts to breathe. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your selflessness in this regard, because when it gets that cold I know it requires extreme will to wake up. You also are willing to get going when it's so hot I feel like that Furian guy walking into the sunshine in The Chronicles of Riddick. Again, thank you.
Also, in spite of extreme temperatures, your AC and heat work effortlessly, within moments of starting. It's amazing. Like a little slice of climate controlled heaven, where I can eat my M&Ms without fear of them liquefying.
But in every healthy relationship, there are two sides to the story. There is something you have been doing lately that I feel must be addressed.
I know that you are feeling insecure, and that all the cars I've been with before had standard transmissions. However, this insecurity over my past car relationships is no reason to start trying to pretend to be a standard. Specifically, it's very unnerving when you allow me to turn off your engine and remove the key in drive, but then scold me for trying to start you afterwards. It's a mixed message, and not appreciated. I occasionally forget, and I am willing to work on this, but you need to work on being happy with who you are. Truly, no amount of gentle reassurances that your transmission is just as appealing as my former cars' transmissions will make up for your self confidence.
Thank you so much for all you have given me.
Love,
Alicia
I know, as you are getting older and gas gets more expensive, that you must be worried I will give up on loving you. Everyone gets insecure from time to time, and you recently let me know that our relationship is going to require some maintenance, so here goes:
I love you. You are a great car.
You always start for me, even when it's so cold outside it hurts to breathe. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your selflessness in this regard, because when it gets that cold I know it requires extreme will to wake up. You also are willing to get going when it's so hot I feel like that Furian guy walking into the sunshine in The Chronicles of Riddick. Again, thank you.
 |
| I'd so much rather drive you to work than have to row a metal people boat. |
But in every healthy relationship, there are two sides to the story. There is something you have been doing lately that I feel must be addressed.
I know that you are feeling insecure, and that all the cars I've been with before had standard transmissions. However, this insecurity over my past car relationships is no reason to start trying to pretend to be a standard. Specifically, it's very unnerving when you allow me to turn off your engine and remove the key in drive, but then scold me for trying to start you afterwards. It's a mixed message, and not appreciated. I occasionally forget, and I am willing to work on this, but you need to work on being happy with who you are. Truly, no amount of gentle reassurances that your transmission is just as appealing as my former cars' transmissions will make up for your self confidence.
Thank you so much for all you have given me.
Love,
Alicia
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Right of Kangaroo Passage
Being a mom is not always awesome. I have actually saved this article in my favorites bar because sometimes I really need it. I really need to believe that I will survive this without punching the next childless person who gives me parenting advice or the next person who tells me I must love every moment of parenthood. I try to embrace my new, curvier body but still struggle with the kangaroo pouch that once housed an entirely manageable little person and now hangs loosely from my waist in despair over the tyrant it has unleashed on the world.
Mostly, though, I am caught off guard by how much I love being someone's super-hero/magician/personal comedian ("mom" in layman terms). The amount of joy you experience as a parent could probably be considered insanity. Every day I discover new sources of joy, and you should know that (in case you're worried about it) your life does not get boring or crappy when you become a parent. It's different- you watch new movies in the daytime, when it's easier to get a sitter, and alcohol (hopefully) loses any serious relevance in your social life, but you learn some interesting things. Here's the short-list of my most important discoveries:
1. I don't know crap.
This is a recent one, based on the discovery by The Offspring of the word "why". I really don't know. I try to give real answers, but sometimes I'm left with "Because Mommy said so".
Think about this for a second. Ten years ago I knew EVERYTHING. Hell, five years ago I was still pretty sure I would someday rule the world. Now I know I'm lucky if bath-time goes off without a hitch, and I have no idea "why" spicy things feel hot.
It's kind of liberating.
2. Every idea is better when presented in the Cookie Monster voice.
Self explanatory. Try it. Say "Time to trim the toenails!". Now say it like you're Cookie Monster.
You're more excited about routine hygiene now, and you know it.
3. Running is more fun when you're screaming.
Another one I don't know the "why" of, but I think it may have to do with giving your social inhibitions "the finger". Next time you go for a run, wave your arms around frantically and scream. Not only will you be inexplicably exhilarated, but any child nearby will be drawn to you, because you are obviously awesome. Be careful only to admire your trail of screaming followers though- parents might get weirded out if you turned around and started talking to your new-found minions. In fact, you may want to reserve this experiment for your favorite jogging trail, not your local park. This one is how I convince The Offspring that he really DOES want to get his booty out of the stroller and walk with me, and it has the added bonus of being a great time.
4. Every parent blogger is a liar.
Every parent has tough days. Every one of us yells sometimes, lets our kids watch TV because we're super tired, and makes the mistake of taking our kids out when they're just too tired and should be at home. Every parent blogger puffs their account up with stories of this or that cute thing that happened today, and makes lies of omission. These lies make parents who are scared and stressed and dealing with a challenging child, or a normal child in a challenging phase, feel really crappy for that stress. I learned this by asking other parents- my mom, my friends that I trust to be honest- about their difficult moments. Knowing I wasn't the only person who occasionally locks myself in the closet and cries while eating Teddy Grahams the second reinforcements arrive- whew. Huge relief.
Someday, your Offspring will sit at the bottom of a staircase screaming because they want to be carried and your arms are full of groceries. Just know you aren't the first person to be pissed off about it and you'll probably be okay. Put the groceries down, tell off those childless college brats who stopped to watch the spectacle, and carry your kid inside. No one will steal your groceries, and you'll be able to deal a little better once you're not apologizing for blocking the staircase. Learning this lesson is a right of Kangaroo Passage.
PS- I know I wrote this for future parents, but I also know lots of current parents may be ready to tear their hair out and not sure what to do about behavioral problems. Here's some reputable organizations with solid, research based resources. You can also go to your local state or country website for information on support or counseling. Be the super-hero your kid thinks you are.
Parenting.com
WebMD
The Center for Parenting Education
Parenting.org
 |
| The Offspring: 50% Adorable Cuteness, 50% Merciless Tyrant |
Mostly, though, I am caught off guard by how much I love being someone's super-hero/magician/personal comedian ("mom" in layman terms). The amount of joy you experience as a parent could probably be considered insanity. Every day I discover new sources of joy, and you should know that (in case you're worried about it) your life does not get boring or crappy when you become a parent. It's different- you watch new movies in the daytime, when it's easier to get a sitter, and alcohol (hopefully) loses any serious relevance in your social life, but you learn some interesting things. Here's the short-list of my most important discoveries:
1. I don't know crap.
This is a recent one, based on the discovery by The Offspring of the word "why". I really don't know. I try to give real answers, but sometimes I'm left with "Because Mommy said so".
Think about this for a second. Ten years ago I knew EVERYTHING. Hell, five years ago I was still pretty sure I would someday rule the world. Now I know I'm lucky if bath-time goes off without a hitch, and I have no idea "why" spicy things feel hot.
It's kind of liberating.
2. Every idea is better when presented in the Cookie Monster voice.
Self explanatory. Try it. Say "Time to trim the toenails!". Now say it like you're Cookie Monster.
You're more excited about routine hygiene now, and you know it.
3. Running is more fun when you're screaming.
Another one I don't know the "why" of, but I think it may have to do with giving your social inhibitions "the finger". Next time you go for a run, wave your arms around frantically and scream. Not only will you be inexplicably exhilarated, but any child nearby will be drawn to you, because you are obviously awesome. Be careful only to admire your trail of screaming followers though- parents might get weirded out if you turned around and started talking to your new-found minions. In fact, you may want to reserve this experiment for your favorite jogging trail, not your local park. This one is how I convince The Offspring that he really DOES want to get his booty out of the stroller and walk with me, and it has the added bonus of being a great time.
4. Every parent blogger is a liar.
Every parent has tough days. Every one of us yells sometimes, lets our kids watch TV because we're super tired, and makes the mistake of taking our kids out when they're just too tired and should be at home. Every parent blogger puffs their account up with stories of this or that cute thing that happened today, and makes lies of omission. These lies make parents who are scared and stressed and dealing with a challenging child, or a normal child in a challenging phase, feel really crappy for that stress. I learned this by asking other parents- my mom, my friends that I trust to be honest- about their difficult moments. Knowing I wasn't the only person who occasionally locks myself in the closet and cries while eating Teddy Grahams the second reinforcements arrive- whew. Huge relief.
Someday, your Offspring will sit at the bottom of a staircase screaming because they want to be carried and your arms are full of groceries. Just know you aren't the first person to be pissed off about it and you'll probably be okay. Put the groceries down, tell off those childless college brats who stopped to watch the spectacle, and carry your kid inside. No one will steal your groceries, and you'll be able to deal a little better once you're not apologizing for blocking the staircase. Learning this lesson is a right of Kangaroo Passage.
PS- I know I wrote this for future parents, but I also know lots of current parents may be ready to tear their hair out and not sure what to do about behavioral problems. Here's some reputable organizations with solid, research based resources. You can also go to your local state or country website for information on support or counseling. Be the super-hero your kid thinks you are.
Parenting.com
WebMD
The Center for Parenting Education
Parenting.org
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